Coming in Hot: A Parenting Story of Self-Awareness

Yesterday I had one of those moments that reminded me just how humbling parenting can be sometimes. I went to pick up my son from school, where the kindergarteners finish their day with 15 minutes of recess before lining up with their teachers. As soon as he saw me walking up, he lit up, checked out with his teacher, and came running over. First, he grabbed my hat and tossed it playfully. Then, he grabbed my sunglasses—my just-replaced sunglasses with glass lenses—and slammed them onto the asphalt.

Now, I’d just had them replaced under warranty and was still appreciating having them back. Seeing them hit the asphalt made my heart skip and I almost certainly knew they just broke again. My first reaction? I raised my voice—not a yell, but sharper than I'd like—and I called his name, frustrated and completely impulsive. "Griffin!"

Thankfully, the sunglasses didn’t break (a small miracle and a good reminder why, as a parent, I buy products with warranties and truly if I didn't want that to happen, I could had just left them in the car and avoided the potential to begin with). As I picked them up and took a deep breath, I took a moment to remind myself that my son hasn’t fully developed his neocortex enough to analyze the difference between throwing a hat and glasses in all of his excitement and certainly the excitement isn't something I want to shut down even as a fall out from correcting his behavior.

So there it was, it was on me to show him what it looks like to adjust myself without shame, blame, guilt or any judgment on it. It's also my choice to recognize that how I respond sets the tone for the rest of all of our day. In moments like these, as parents, we have to remember that the energy and attitude we bring to situations will fill our homes.

I crouched down to his level and started with an apology: “I raised my voice. I'm sorry, I didn't want to do that. What I wanted to say was, 'I’m excited to see you too, please don’t throw my glasses they are glass and can easily break and I love you how was your day?'

I did not have to make it a big thing. I could have gone into a whole thing about the difference between throwing my hat and throwing my glasses. 'Do you know what the difference is?' I could have made it about me and my needs so easily. Instead, apologizing in moments like this for my reaction is so important. It shows him how to take responsibility for his behavior without saying they need to or 'should.' Ugh, I hate that word. Without correcting him, without pointing out what they did wrong in any way. He probably recognized it the same time I did and it was too late by that time. That's what excitement can do sometimes.

No amount of information is going to help him remember to go to his outer brain before reacting to his emotions next time. The connection is just not fully established biologically yet. Sure would make it a lot easier if it was—but it's not.

What started as a frustrating moment turned into a valuable awareness: maybe I didn’t check my day at the door before walking up. I realized I can prevent situations like this by leaving things that can break in the car instead of bringing them to the playground. Sure, it would be nice if our kids didn’t do these things, but their behavior is biologically normal. Expecting otherwise is just setting ourselves up for disappointment.

That, and I have the fully developed logical part of my brain (most of the time) that my son hasn’t developed yet. I’m capable of making choices to avoid situations like this in the first place. This moment was a chance to model the behavior I want to see in my son by practicing it myself, rather than pointing out what he did wrong or falling into a 'do what I say, not what I do' dynamic. What I realized is that I shared responsibility in this moment, no less than he did.

All he was really saying was that he was excited to see me—who can be mad about that? I got a real, authentic opportunity to show what it looks like to not be flawless, take responsibility, and move on without carrying the weight of it—just as I’d hope to see him do in a similar moment. He knows glass can break—if you sat him down and quizzed him about it, he’d get it right, no doubt.

Moments like these remind me that parenting isn’t about perfection in us or our kids nor coaching or kids to act a certain way through a logical understanding of it. It’s about showing up, being present, modeling behavior responsibly and intentionally and learning alongside our kids.

Share this story with a friend who might relate!

Best wishes,

Sean

I love helping families create deeper connections and find joy in the messy, beautiful moments of parenting. If this resonates with you, let’s talk! Schedule a call here.