A Lesson in Boundaries, Big Feelings, and Unconditional Love

Last night, my son asked to sleep in my bed. In our home, we have a long-standing boundary: he sleeps in his own bed every night except for the last night before he goes to his mom’s house. This rarely gets tested, but last night, my son struggled with it.

At 5 years old, he doesn’t always have the words to label and express what’s bothering him, so it comes out in moments like this.

When he started melting down over the boundary, I knew something was off. This wasn’t his typical response—it was a message for me to tune in. Instead of rushing through the routine, I sat with him quietly. Eventually, he told me he was scared to stay in his room alone. I offered a solution: I’d stay in his room until he fell asleep. But like any kid, he wasn’t ready to let go of what he really wanted—to sleep in my bed well, sort of...

I got a good reminder, in that moment, that often the first "thing" isn't really "the thing."

He said something that, as a single parent, is easy to take personally: “I want to go to Mom’s.”

It’s so tempting to react or feel hurt in moments like these, but I reminded myself not to and that we were still talking about where he didn’t want to sleep more than where he did. At the same time, I wanted him to know it’s okay to share that he misses his mom, without thinking it would get a reaction or change the boundary I’ve set.

Trying to comfort him, I gently said, “You’ll be at Mom’s tomorrow for two whole weeks, and you’ll get to celebrate Christmas...!” I thought reframing the context in the moment as something exciting would help—not realizing this might’ve been at the root of what he was struggling with.

That’s when my son turned to me and said, “Yeah, and I won’t miss you!”

He got out of my lap, went to his bed, and hid under his sheets. Slowly, I started to hear quiet whimpering growing into real tears. I went to him, rubbed his back, and gave him a hug. He looked up and said, “I’m sad because I didn't mean what I said.”

I held him close and told him, “I know you didn’t mean it. I will always know you love me, no matter what you say or what you do. Sometimes when we’re angry or sad, we say things we don’t mean, and I know that too. What can we do when that happens?” 

He apologized, and I told him how proud I was of him for recognizing it didn’t feel right to him after he said it and for having the courage to say so. I reassured him that no matter what he says or does, my love for him will never change—and he will always have a safe space to share whatever he feels, without judgment or fear of consequences.

In those 10 minutes, my son learned three big lessons:

1. Using his love for one parent against the other won’t change boundaries or get him what he wants.

   
   

2. It also won’t provoke a negative reaction, like making me angry, and he can trust he’s always safe to express himself here.
   

3. No matter what, he is loved unconditionally—and he is worthy and deserving of that kind of love.

   
   

Moments like this—messy, emotional, and raw—remind me how important it is to show up as steady, calm, and loving. Boundaries don’t just teach kids structure; they teach them that they’re safe, loved, and free to feel big feelings without breaking the connection.

In fact, moments that seem like conflict often become opportunities to deepen the bond between parent and child.

Would you like to learn more about attachment science and the role it's playing in the relationship we have with our kids? Schedule a free discovery call and let's talk about what your parenting experience is like and what you want it to be like. I love helping parents find peace in their homes and giving them the peace of mind and confidence to be the kind of parent they want to be!